No. No way. This was not going to happen. I’d rather have a castration without anesthesia than getting baptized into one of the craziest cults on this planet. I told the missionaries that since I hadn’t had the slightest feeling of that there was a god listening to me, I couldn’t get baptized. They had told me how it for some members had taken many years before having any certainty of their faith, but these were people who were unfortunate enough to be born into the faith, or being dragged into it by their lunatic parents. They HAD to claim certainty at some point. I told them that worship without faith was not something god would’ve wanted. They told me that if I just kept reading the BoM, praying, going to church and keeping the Word of Wisdom, I would get a sign of the validity of their faith by the time of my baptism. I still thought they were way too soon out with this whole baptism thing.
I told them that I’d like to wait. I needed more certainty. Then they told me that I could come and watch a baptism, so I could feel the Holy Spirit’s presence during the ceremony. Apparently this one guy named Richard who I had met at church was about to get baptized next week, and I was invited to come and watch. This would be a perfect opportunity for me to ask Richard about why he had joined the church, how long it took for him to make the trip from first meeting the missionaries to getting baptized and what kind of “proof” of god’s existence he had experienced.
I really wish that I’d made the baptism. I really do. But something more important came up. I was slapped in the face. I was told to shut my phone up. I was tired, my muscles hurt, and I couldn’t find my pants. My phone was ringing. It was in my pocket. My pocket was… somewhere. I dragged myself up from bed. After finding my pants, I answered the phone. Mormons were a-calling. They wondered why I hadn’t come to the baptism. I looked over to the bed. Mormons aren’t stupid. Ignorance doesn’t equal stupidity. If I had been sick or my car wouldn’t start, I would of course have called them and told them I couldn’t make it. They knew that. I just told them I had been feeling sick, and that I rested a bit after waking up to gather strength, but had dozed off and failed to put my alarm clock to wake me up. I’m not really sure they bought it, but that’s the best I could come up with. I wasn’t really functioning at 100%. I gazed at the clock. It was already afternoon. I was thinking off getting dressed and going home to hate myself for missing a perfect opportunity to ask Richard about his trip to Mormonism. Of course I’d have my chance later. He was sure to attend church and Family Nights in the future. I wasn’t so sure I was though.
I felt uncomfortable the next time the missionaries came to visit me. By some divine chance they gave me a pamphlet about chastity. I had that little paranoid voice in my head shouting “They know!”. I got even more paranoid once they asked me if I was willing to follow the law of chastity from now on. I was quite indifferent about the question, answering with a “Yeah, sure, you know, whatever.”. I really didn’t want to stay on the subject and urged them to go on. We talked about tithing and fast offerings. Tithing is about giving 10% of your income to the church. It is actually mentioned in the Bible, but Mormons are among the few people who actually practice this law. I was a student. I barely got by with what I had. How the hell could I give away 10% to the church? The rich should give to the poor, that’s what Jesus preached. The church has billions. My wallet coughs dust every time I open it. The fast offerings are an interesting thing. Once every month, the Mormons fast. Yeah, that’s not really common in Christianity. But the Mormons are far from Christians, as you’ve already noticed. You have to skip two meals at this one particular Sunday in the month, usually the first Sunday of the month. The amount of money you would have spent on those meals you give as fast offerings, which are used to feed the poor in your area and in other poor areas. This of course is a very wonderful thing. Two things bother me though. First is that poorer Mormons also have to do this. They of course don’t give as much, but still it bothers me. Their leaders have ten Rolexes on both their arms, and these poorer Mormons have to give to poor people? Second, I don’t know if these people do it because they want to do it, or if they do it for the sake of gaining everlasting life. This gesture of helpfulness becomes a hollow shell when speaking of a great deal of religious people.